how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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