I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
