Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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