like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
