Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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