If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
