Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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