Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He's on the porch naked. Help.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
