He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
