If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
