Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
