I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
