Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
