I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
