You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
