I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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