thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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