My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
