she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
