Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
