woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Two words: blizzard sex
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
