can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
