I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i used baking grease as lip gloss
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
