She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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