answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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