I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
