cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He passed out mid-signature
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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