my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize