Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
