my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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