I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
