Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
