A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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