He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize