i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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