youre lurking in front of me
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
