filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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