I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
