why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
