Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
