had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
