I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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