i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
