then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
