see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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