How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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