This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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