do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
