im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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