Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize