i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I can't turn off my feet"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
