um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
