I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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