This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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