Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
