Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
