you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
