The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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