I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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