Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
